Wednesday Jan 27 2010
Whew, what a week it has been. I finished up a mighty chapter of the new book and then sort of took a breath and starting exploring the idea of finding a tiny house in Maine that might allow me to go there for the summer. Came across what seemed like a great steal and it even had a barn. The realtor was saying *well, it does need a new roof and the electrical is from the 1920′s*. My ex husband lives in Boston and is a very thoughtful man. I asked him if he might drive up and take some pictures. He did. After he met with the realtor, he said to me that he wondered if this might be a bigger job than I imagined. I was tooling along with a great ole fantasy rolling until the pictures arrived. This was a place with major problems, major and maybe 100K worth of renovation.
Ever since I was a little girl I have collected images in my head about what my heaven might look like – the sunlight in NM, the smell of the sea, the taste of lobster in July, a fireplace, things like this. I had never thought of what my hell might be like, but when I saw these pictures, I physically felt ill. I think living in that space and having 2 years of rennovation into a money sink hole would qualify.
Of course I said no to the house and the idea. And then I thought about the timing of my thinking, *Oh a little place in Maine might be good*…maybe really moving forward with the book touches some complex feelings. Feelings about stepping into big self [or bigger self], old messages from mom that people won’t like you if you are too smart or too competent. And messages from me about whew, are really going to say THAT! So, the best way to step away from it is to create a diversion. How about thinking house, house instead of book, book, LOL. Like doing supplements, supplements instead of breakfast he heh.
Sobering. I think I will keep writing.
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I love the idea of thinking about what Heaven may look like…some of your thoughts are mine. Lobster, roaring fires, the beach, a wooden hot tub on the back deck, amazing sunsets… I, too, would love a little house to retreat to on weekends or a beach house somewhere, sometime…
I have been thinking a lot about “What do I want?” And I, too, have been writing away…
I’m really enjoying reading the blog, Kathleen. I’m so glad you write. That’s really interesting about the house being a distraction from big stuff emerging and past stuff bubbling up. I can relate-thanks for giving me something to reflect on. I cannot wait for the book!!!
This immediately took me back to a time when we were about to move and were house hunting. I found a gorgeous 2-storey on a few acres of land on a lake, and I was filled up with the possibilities. It was a “heritage” house. Turn of the century. No running water, no electricity. The beams and the frame were literally hewn tree limbs. I was in dreamland-the house was selling for a song and I was thinking the money we saved could be put into making it liveable. My husband took one look and said, “NO.” No discussion. I was crushed. I remember having this tantrum in my head about how different he and I were-he had no imagination, etc. etc. Of course, I was immersed in sugar at the time. Now I am OH so glad that cooler heads prevailed!