I haven't been around here for a long, long time, but I posted this (below) in a Sparkpeople challenge team I've belonged to for a while. Even though I haven't been here, I direct people here because I recognize myself in their posts from time to time. Here's what I posted there this morning:

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Leading up to Pam’s and my trip to Fairplay, I was doing billing, long days, little sleep, so I wasn’t here much.

Then Saturday in Fairplay, I fell down kinda hard. I hurt for a few hours. It was embarrassing and painful. I fell down in front of Pam, wrapped in only a towel that went flying.

A few hours later, my little dog Sam ate some mice poison. I am so thankful I saw it in his mouth or he probably wouldn’t be with us today. Called the vet. Pam and I made him puke.

When Sam and I left the store from buying charcoal, a guy attacked my car, banging on the window, screaming at me. Like an idiot I rolled down my window to see what he was upset about. For the next minute or so, he jumped up and down, yelling at me, in my face cussing, flipping me off with both hands – because of a (pretty benign) bumper sticker on my car. He got in his car and in the lane next to me and kept yelling. By the time I got back to the hotel, I was a stuttering, blubbering mess.

I spent the next day and a half forcing charcoal down Sammy’s throat every six hours, sometimes in the middle of the night. Then we came home. My tailbone still really hurts, but I think with tailbones, it’s just a matter of letting it heal.

I knew when all of this happened, I was going to have a backlash. I know from being a part of Radiant Recovery, that our bodies react to having accidents, being a part of big drama, scares, etc. the same way we react to eating sugar, doing heroin, getting drunk. All of those things, good or bad exciting things, spike our beta-endorphins and for some of us (a lot of us), we have a reaction 3-5 days later when our beta-endorphins tank correspondingly low to how much they spiked. When our beta-endorphins are low, we are tender, physically, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes not just tender, but a bit crazy.

On Wednesday, 4 days after all of it happened. I woke up pissed at the world and my body hurt from the fall. I knew why, so I did my best to keep my mouth shut, get through my day at work. I didn’t quite accomplish that when I kicked my son out of the house first thing in the morning. Getting through my day at work, with lots of meetings and sh*t happening, took a lot of effort. I hated my boss. I hated my husband. I hated my son. I hated the doctor I had an appt with who went home sick before I could see him. I hated the person in front of me who was a bad driver. I hated the store clerk checking me out. But I knew why, so I kept my mouth shut. I did kind of get rude with the person who answered the phone at our electric company when she informed me the reason my bill was higher is because they raised the access fee for people on solar. I really hated her. Two whole dollars a month. How dare them!

There were absolutely some things going on in my life that were not pleasant (I’m not counting the electric bill LOL). Things with family, things at work, but instead of handling them, I just tried to get through them without causing any more damage than was already happening. I wasn’t successful with some of it. I was absolutely part of the problem to an extent.

Thursday, I was in a mental fog. I hurt worse than I did the day before, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried because my dad died a year ago. I cried because my boss pissed me off, I cried because my dogs tore up a new dog bed. I cried because of all of the people and things mentioned above. I knew why, so I pretty much hunkered down in my office with my door closed, a box of Kleenex, and tried to work.

This morning I woke up and was back to myself. I have some damage control to do, but the cloud in my head, heart and soul is gone. There were things that I do every day, that I forgot to do those two days. People who still can’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Etc, etc. Luckily my husband knows the drill as well as I do and just hangs in with me when I'm like this.

That was one of the worst episodes I’ve gone through in a lot of years and I think it was because it was so many things at once and scary things. The thing is, if I didn’t know why I was in the shape I was in, I probably would have checked myself into the hospital. Or left my husband and son. Or quit my job. I was in that bad of shape. People don’t relate their moods to things that happened 4 or 5 days ago. Until you journal and see the patterns over and over, it just isn’t believable.

Today, I keep thinking that if I hadn’t found Radiant Recovery 15 years ago, I would have just kept living that way. I would likely be medicated. I might not be alive. The lows are so low. I might be in jail, because when I get that way, my temper is amazing. I most certainly wouldn’t be married still. I likely would not have the job I have now. And my relationship with my kids would be bad. Pam and I would not be spending time together.

But I’m back! I’ve got a lot of catching up to do at work and in life in general, but I’m going to try to do that here in this group too.

It seems I’m always apologizing for the long posts. Sorry – processing to a certain extent.

Oh and by the way, surprise, surprise, my oldest son is getting married and moving to Brazil. The first part is good. The second part set me off a bit when he called in the middle of all of this. There was some crying over that. LOL

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My sister Pam called me after reading this post. She wanted to know why I wasn't talking to her during those two days. We talked about isolation, etc. I also told her that even though I was in horrible shape those two days, I didn't do what I would have years ago. I didn't crawl into bed with a bag of donuts, a package of cookies and a box of kleenex. I worked out even though I didn't want to. I cussed and hated it the whole time, but I worked out. Not a hard workout. A nice easy BE raising workout.

And I kept my food clean, though there was too much of it, and I whined about having to keep it clean and got pissed off all over again every time I saw something sugary. But I did what I had to do to not perpetuate the cycle.

I haven't been here for a long time, but I figure Kathleen and this group deserve some credit for me doing what I had to in order to stay sane.