: I haven't been around here for a: long, long time, but I posted this
: (below) in a Sparkpeople challenge: the team I've belonged to for a while.
: Even though I haven't been here, I: direct people here because I: recognize myself in their posts: from time to time. Here's what I: posted there this morning:

: ....

: Leading up to Pam’s and my trip to
: Fairplay, I was doing billing, long days, little sleep, so I: wasn’t here much.

: Then Saturday in Fairplay, I fell: down kinda hard. I hurt for a few: hours. It was embarrassing and: painful. I fell down in front of
: Pam, wrapped in only a towel that: went flying.

: A few hours later, my little dog Sam: ate some mice poison. I am so: thankful I saw it in his mouth or: he probably wouldn’t be with us: today. Called the vet. Pam and I: made him puke.

: When Sam and I left the store from buying charcoal, a guy attacked my: car, banging on the window,
: screaming at me. Like an idiot, I
: rolled down my window to see what
: he was upset about. For the next minute or so, he jumped up and: down, yelling at me, in my face: cussing, flipping me off with both: hands – because of a (pretty: benign) bumper sticker on my car.
: He got in his car and in the lane: next to me and kept yelling. By: the time I got back to the hotel,
: I was a stuttering, blubbering: mess.

: I spent the next day and a half: forcing charcoal down Sammy’s: throat every six hours, sometimes: in the middle of the night. Then: we came home. My tailbone still: really hurts, but I think with: tailbones, it’s just a matter of: letting it heal.

: I knew when all of this happened, I
: was going to have a backlash. I
: know from being a part of Radiant
: Recovery, that our bodies react to
: having accidents, being a part of
: big drama, scares, etc. the same
: way we react to eating sugar,
: doing heroin, getting drunk. All
: of those things, good or bad
: exciting things, spike our
: beta-endorphins and for some of us
: (a lot of us), we have a reaction
: 3-5 days later when our
: beta-endorphins tank
: correspondingly low to how much
: they spiked. When our
: beta-endorphins are low, we are
: tender, physically, emotionally
: and mentally. Sometimes not just
: tender, but a bit crazy.

: On Wednesday, 4 days after all of it
: happened. I woke up pissed at the: world and my body hurt from the: fall. I knew why, so I did my best: to keep my mouth shut, get through: my day at work. I didn’t quite: accomplish that when I kicked my: son out of the house first thing: in the morning. Getting through my: day at work, with lots of meetings: and sh*t happening, took a lot of effort. I hated my boss. I hated: my husband. I hated my son. I: hated the doctor I had an appt: with who went homesick before I: could see him. I hated the person: in front of me who was a bad: driver. I hated the store clerk: checking me out. But I knew why: so I kept my mouth shut. I did: a kind of get rude with the person: who answered the phone at our: electric company when she informed: me the reason my bill was higher: is because they raised the access: fee for people on solar. I really: hated her. Two whole dollars a: month. How dare them!

: There were absolutely some things: going on in my life that were not: pleasant (I’m not counting the: electric bill LOL). Things with: family, things at work, but: instead of handling them, I just: tried to get through them without causing any more damage than was: already happening. I wasn’t: successful with some of it. I was: absolutely part of the problem to: an extent.

: Thursday, I was in a mental fog. I: hurt worse than I did the day: before, I couldn’t stop crying. I: cried because my dad died a year: ago. I cried because my boss: pissed me off, I cried because my: dogs tore up a new dog bed. I
: cried because of all of the people
: and things mentioned above. I knew
: why, so I pretty much hunkered
: down in my office with my door
: closed, a box of Kleenex, and
: tried to work.

: This morning I woke up and was back
: to myself. I have some damage
: control to do, but the cloud in my
: head, heart and soul is gone.
: There were things that I do every
: day, that I forgot to do those two
: days. People who still can’t
: figure out what the hell was wrong
: with me. Etc, etc. Luckily my
: husband knows the drill as well as
: I do and just hangs in with me
: when I'm like this.

: That was one of the worst episodes
: I’ve gone through in a lot of
: years and I think it was because
: it was so many things at once and
: scary things. The thing is, if I
: didn’t know why I was in the shape
: I was in, I probably would have
: checked myself into the hospital.
: Or left my husband and son. Or
: quit my job. I was in that bad of
: shape. People don’t relate their
: moods to things that happened 4 or
: 5 days ago. Until you journal and
: see the patterns over and over, it
: just isn’t believable.

: Today, I keep thinking that if I
: hadn’t found Radiant Recovery 15
: years ago, I would have just kept
: living that way. I would likely be
: medicated. I might not be alive.
: The lows are so low. I might be in
: jail, because when I get that way,
: my temper is amazing. I most
: certainly wouldn’t be married
: still. I likely would not have the
: job I have now. And my
: relationship with my kids would be
: bad. Pam and I would not be
: spending time together.

: But I’m back! I’ve got a lot of
: catching up to do at work and in
: life in general, but I’m going to
: try to do that here in this group
: too.

: It seems I’m always apologizing for: the long posts. Sorry – processing: to a certain extent.

: Oh, and by the way, surprise: surprise, my oldest son is getting: married and moving to Brazil. The: first part is good. The second: partly set me off a bit when he: called in the middle of all of: this. There was some crying over: that. LOL

: ....

: My sister Pam called me after reading: this post. She wanted to know why
: I wasn't talking to her during those two days. We talked about: isolation, etc. I also told her: that even though I was in horrible: shape those two days, I didn't do: what I would have years ago. I: didn't crawl into bed with a bag: of donuts, a package of cookies: and a box of kleenex. I worked out: even though I didn't want to. I: cussed and hated it the whole: time, but I worked out. Not a hard: workout. A nice easy BE raising: workout.

: And I kept my food clean, though
: there was too much of it, and I
: whined about having to keep it
: clean and got pissed off all over
: again every time I saw something
: sugary. But I did what I had to do
: to not perpetuate the cycle.

: I haven't been here for a long time,
: but I figure Kathleen and this
: group deserve some credit for me
: doing what I had to in order to
: stay sane.

Oh, Vicki, wonderful to hear from you albeit under such painful remembrance :)
I am deeply touched that you remembered: h12) Its funny, I was just looking at messages in one of the list. I put in #200 and you came up (out of 57,000). I think the universe must have pinged that.

Yes, we are here. Yes, the healing still works. Yes, you are still most welcome and celebrated for who you are: h2) How can that boy be off to be married! Glad the pupster is good!

Welcome back!!

Kathleen