HI Vicki.
It’s great to hear from you. So glad that adorable dog is ok.
I no longer have the absolutely horrible BE crashes, but I still have a reaction from the sorts of things you described, and I have also learned to not act on feelings for a couple of days, not make drastic decisions and just get through it, because it will pass. I think knowing that it will pass is such a gift, and knowing why I feel that way also takes away some of the power of the unpleasant feelings. Then I remember how I used to feel that way most of the time, and I’m so grateful for the program.
Allison

: I haven't been around here for a
: long, long time, but I posted this
: (below) in a Sparkpeople challenge
: team I've belonged to for a while.
: Even though I haven't been here, I
: direct people here because I
: recognize myself in their posts
: from time to time. Here's what I
: posted there this morning:

: ....

: Leading up to Pam’s and my trip to
: Fairplay, I was doing billing,
: long days, little sleep, so I
: wasn’t here much.

: Then Saturday in Fairplay, I fell
: down kinda hard. I hurt for a few
: hours. It was embarrassing and
: painful. I fell down in front of
: Pam, wrapped in only a towel that
: went flying.

: A few hours later, my little dog Sam
: ate some mice poison. I am so
: thankful I saw it in his mouth or
: he probably wouldn’t be with us
: today. Called the vet. Pam and I
: made him puke.

: When Sam and I left the store from
: buying charcoal, a guy attacked my
: car, banging on the window,
: screaming at me. Like an idiot I
: rolled down my window to see what
: he was upset about. For the next
: minute or so, he jumped up and
: down, yelling at me, in my face
: cussing, flipping me off with both
: hands – because of a (pretty
: benign) bumper sticker on my car.
: He got in his car and in the lane
: next to me and kept yelling. By
: the time I got back to the hotel,
: I was a stuttering, blubbering
: mess.

: I spent the next day and a half
: forcing charcoal down Sammy’s
: throat every six hours, sometimes
: in the middle of the night. Then
: we came home. My tailbone still
: really hurts, but I think with
: tailbones, it’s just a matter of
: letting it heal.

: I knew when all of this happened, I
: was going to have a backlash. I
: know from being a part of Radiant
: Recovery, that our bodies react to
: having accidents, being a part of
: big drama, scares, etc. the same
: way we react to eating sugar,
: doing heroin, getting drunk. All
: of those things, good or bad
: exciting things, spike our
: beta-endorphins and for some of us
: (a lot of us), we have a reaction
: 3-5 days later when our
: beta-endorphins tank
: correspondingly low to how much
: they spiked. When our
: beta-endorphins are low, we are
: tender, physically, emotionally
: and mentally. Sometimes not just
: tender, but a bit crazy.

: On Wednesday, 4 days after all of it
: happened. I woke up pissed at the
: world and my body hurt from the
: fall. I knew why, so I did my best
: to keep my mouth shut, get through
: my day at work. I didn’t quite
: accomplish that when I kicked my
: son out of the house first thing
: in the morning. Getting through my
: day at work, with lots of meetings
: and sh*t happening, took a lot of
: effort. I hated my boss. I hated
: my husband. I hated my son. I
: hated the doctor I had an appt
: with who went home sick before I
: could see him. I hated the person
: in front of me who was a bad
: driver. I hated the store clerk
: checking me out. But I knew why,
: so I kept my mouth shut. I did
: kind of get rude with the person
: who answered the phone at our
: electric company when she informed
: me the reason my bill was higher
: is because they raised the access
: fee for people on solar. I really
: hated her. Two whole dollars a
: month. How dare them!

: There were absolutely some things
: going on in my life that were not
: pleasant (I’m not counting the
: electric bill LOL). Things with
: family, things at work, but
: instead of handling them, I just
: tried to get through them without
: causing any more damage than was
: already happening. I wasn’t
: successful with some of it. I was
: absolutely part of the problem to
: an extent.

: Thursday, I was in a mental fog. I
: hurt worse than I did the day
: before, I couldn’t stop crying. I
: cried because my dad died a year
: ago. I cried because my boss
: pissed me off, I cried because my
: dogs tore up a new dog bed. I
: cried because of all of the people
: and things mentioned above. I knew
: why, so I pretty much hunkered
: down in my office with my door
: closed, a box of Kleenex, and
: tried to work.

: This morning I woke up and was back
: to myself. I have some damage
: control to do, but the cloud in my
: head, heart and soul is gone.
: There were things that I do every
: day, that I forgot to do those two
: days. People who still can’t
: figure out what the hell was wrong
: with me. Etc, etc. Luckily my
: husband knows the drill as well as
: I do and just hangs in with me
: when I'm like this.

: That was one of the worst episodes
: I’ve gone through in a lot of
: years and I think it was because
: it was so many things at once and
: scary things. The thing is, if I
: didn’t know why I was in the shape
: I was in, I probably would have
: checked myself into the hospital.
: Or left my husband and son. Or
: quit my job. I was in that bad of
: shape. People don’t relate their
: moods to things that happened 4 or
: 5 days ago. Until you journal and
: see the patterns over and over, it
: just isn’t believable.

: Today, I keep thinking that if I
: hadn’t found Radiant Recovery 15
: years ago, I would have just kept
: living that way. I would likely be
: medicated. I might not be alive.
: The lows are so low. I might be in
: jail, because when I get that way,
: my temper is amazing. I most
: certainly wouldn’t be married
: still. I likely would not have the
: job I have now. And my
: relationship with my kids would be
: bad. Pam and I would not be
: spending time together.

: But I’m back! I’ve got a lot of
: catching up to do at work and in
: life in general, but I’m going to
: try to do that here in this group
: too.

: It seems I’m always apologizing for
: the long posts. Sorry – processing
: to a certain extent.

: Oh and by the way, surprise,
: surprise, my oldest son is getting
: married and moving to Brazil. The
: first part is good. The second
: part set me off a bit when he
: called in the middle of all of
: this. There was some crying over
: that. LOL

: ....

: My sister Pam called me after reading
: this post. She wanted to know why
: I wasn't talking to her during
: those two days. We talked about
: isolation, etc. I also told her
: that even though I was in horrible
: shape those two days, I didn't do
: what I would have years ago. I
: didn't crawl into bed with a bag
: of donuts, a package of cookies
: and a box of kleenex. I worked out
: even though I didn't want to. I
: cussed and hated it the whole
: time, but I worked out. Not a hard
: workout. A nice easy BE raising
: workout.

: And I kept my food clean, though
: there was too much of it, and I
: whined about having to keep it
: clean and got pissed off all over
: again every time I saw something
: sugary. But I did what I had to do
: to not perpetuate the cycle.

: I haven't been here for a long time,
: but I figure Kathleen and this
: group deserve some credit for me
: doing what I had to in order to
: stay sane.