Thank you for posting this, Vicki. It's such a great example of how much we're affected by biochemistry. I'm so proud of you for recognizing what was going on, hanging in there and waiting it out, and coming back to yourself. As Kathleen often says, our cells remember radiance.

JoEllen

: I haven't been around here for a
: long, long time, but I posted this
: (below) in a Sparkpeople challenge
: team I've belonged to for a while.
: Even though I haven't been here, I
: direct people here because I
: recognize myself in their posts
: from time to time. Here's what I
: posted there this morning:

: ....

: Leading up to Pam’s and my trip to
: Fairplay, I was doing billing,
: long days, little sleep, so I
: wasn’t here much.

: Then Saturday in Fairplay, I fell
: down kinda hard. I hurt for a few
: hours. It was embarrassing and
: painful. I fell down in front of
: Pam, wrapped in only a towel that
: went flying.

: A few hours later, my little dog Sam
: ate some mice poison. I am so
: thankful I saw it in his mouth or
: he probably wouldn’t be with us
: today. Called the vet. Pam and I
: made him puke.

: When Sam and I left the store from
: buying charcoal, a guy attacked my
: car, banging on the window,
: screaming at me. Like an idiot I
: rolled down my window to see what
: he was upset about. For the next
: minute or so, he jumped up and
: down, yelling at me, in my face
: cussing, flipping me off with both
: hands – because of a (pretty
: benign) bumper sticker on my car.
: He got in his car and in the lane
: next to me and kept yelling. By
: the time I got back to the hotel,
: I was a stuttering, blubbering
: mess.

: I spent the next day and a half
: forcing charcoal down Sammy’s
: throat every six hours, sometimes
: in the middle of the night. Then
: we came home. My tailbone still
: really hurts, but I think with
: tailbones, it’s just a matter of
: letting it heal.

: I knew when all of this happened, I
: was going to have a backlash. I
: know from being a part of Radiant
: Recovery, that our bodies react to
: having accidents, being a part of
: big drama, scares, etc. the same
: way we react to eating sugar,
: doing heroin, getting drunk. All
: of those things, good or bad
: exciting things, spike our
: beta-endorphins and for some of us
: (a lot of us), we have a reaction
: 3-5 days later when our
: beta-endorphins tank
: correspondingly low to how much
: they spiked. When our
: beta-endorphins are low, we are
: tender, physically, emotionally
: and mentally. Sometimes not just
: tender, but a bit crazy.

: On Wednesday, 4 days after all of it
: happened. I woke up pissed at the
: world and my body hurt from the
: fall. I knew why, so I did my best
: to keep my mouth shut, get through
: my day at work. I didn’t quite
: accomplish that when I kicked my
: son out of the house first thing
: in the morning. Getting through my
: day at work, with lots of meetings
: and sh*t happening, took a lot of
: effort. I hated my boss. I hated
: my husband. I hated my son. I
: hated the doctor I had an appt
: with who went home sick before I
: could see him. I hated the person
: in front of me who was a bad
: driver. I hated the store clerk
: checking me out. But I knew why,
: so I kept my mouth shut. I did
: kind of get rude with the person
: who answered the phone at our
: electric company when she informed
: me the reason my bill was higher
: is because they raised the access
: fee for people on solar. I really
: hated her. Two whole dollars a
: month. How dare them!

: There were absolutely some things
: going on in my life that were not
: pleasant (I’m not counting the
: electric bill LOL). Things with
: family, things at work, but
: instead of handling them, I just
: tried to get through them without
: causing any more damage than was
: already happening. I wasn’t
: successful with some of it. I was
: absolutely part of the problem to
: an extent.

: Thursday, I was in a mental fog. I
: hurt worse than I did the day
: before, I couldn’t stop crying. I
: cried because my dad died a year
: ago. I cried because my boss
: pissed me off, I cried because my
: dogs tore up a new dog bed. I
: cried because of all of the people
: and things mentioned above. I knew
: why, so I pretty much hunkered
: down in my office with my door
: closed, a box of Kleenex, and
: tried to work.

: This morning I woke up and was back
: to myself. I have some damage
: control to do, but the cloud in my
: head, heart and soul is gone.
: There were things that I do every
: day, that I forgot to do those two
: days. People who still can’t
: figure out what the hell was wrong
: with me. Etc, etc. Luckily my
: husband knows the drill as well as
: I do and just hangs in with me
: when I'm like this.

: That was one of the worst episodes
: I’ve gone through in a lot of
: years and I think it was because
: it was so many things at once and
: scary things. The thing is, if I
: didn’t know why I was in the shape
: I was in, I probably would have
: checked myself into the hospital.
: Or left my husband and son. Or
: quit my job. I was in that bad of
: shape. People don’t relate their
: moods to things that happened 4 or
: 5 days ago. Until you journal and
: see the patterns over and over, it
: just isn’t believable.

: Today, I keep thinking that if I
: hadn’t found Radiant Recovery 15
: years ago, I would have just kept
: living that way. I would likely be
: medicated. I might not be alive.
: The lows are so low. I might be in
: jail, because when I get that way,
: my temper is amazing. I most
: certainly wouldn’t be married
: still. I likely would not have the
: job I have now. And my
: relationship with my kids would be
: bad. Pam and I would not be
: spending time together.

: But I’m back! I’ve got a lot of
: catching up to do at work and in
: life in general, but I’m going to
: try to do that here in this group
: too.

: It seems I’m always apologizing for
: the long posts. Sorry – processing
: to a certain extent.

: Oh and by the way, surprise,
: surprise, my oldest son is getting
: married and moving to Brazil. The
: first part is good. The second
: part set me off a bit when he
: called in the middle of all of
: this. There was some crying over
: that. LOL

: ....

: My sister Pam called me after reading
: this post. She wanted to know why
: I wasn't talking to her during
: those two days. We talked about
: isolation, etc. I also told her
: that even though I was in horrible
: shape those two days, I didn't do
: what I would have years ago. I
: didn't crawl into bed with a bag
: of donuts, a package of cookies
: and a box of kleenex. I worked out
: even though I didn't want to. I
: cussed and hated it the whole
: time, but I worked out. Not a hard
: workout. A nice easy BE raising
: workout.

: And I kept my food clean, though
: there was too much of it, and I
: whined about having to keep it
: clean and got pissed off all over
: again every time I saw something
: sugary. But I did what I had to do
: to not perpetuate the cycle.

: I haven't been here for a long time,
: but I figure Kathleen and this
: group deserve some credit for me
: doing what I had to in order to
: stay sane.