As many of you know, we often talk about addiction to misery and always believing that things have to be *hard*. Here is the original reflection that started this dialogue in our community..
What if none of it has to be hard? This is the radical thought that has followed me home from Ranch. Kathleen had been talking about addiction to misery and how it seems to be one of the easier pieces of our sug sen puzzle to fix - it doesn't have to be hard. And then she blurts out what if none of it has to be hard? I think most everyone's instant reaction was "huh? I don't think so," me included. But the hair
on the back of my neck stood up when she said that. And I have not been able to get this idea out of my mind.
I was listening to a (country) CD in the car and it seemed every song was about some kind of "hard." And a voice in my head is saying "What if it doesn't have to be hard?" I looked at my shoes that have been by my bed for weeks now patiently waiting for me to wake, shake, walk. And the voice again, "What if it doesn't have to be hard?" I came home to what could have felt like an overwhelm of laundry, no
groceries, starting the potato and the need to gain weight. But what if it doesn't have to be hard? And the laundry and groceries got done. The potatoes are ready in the fridge. I'm remembering to eat a little more than usual. These are, I realize, simple things, easy to not be hard. But what if none of it has to be hard?
I've been thinking about why I am so invested in things being "hard." I was brought up in a culture that taught 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps', 'nothing worth having is easy,' 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' 'true beauty lies in struggle and pain' and so on. And I am very attached to the idea of having been "brave" in my recovery journey. I think the dopamine boosting reward factor is in play,
too, when I feel I've done something "hard."
So what happens if I let go of the idea of doing what's hard=worthy accomplishment. If it's easy will there be that sense of accomplishment? Will the act of letting go of "hard" be the accomplishment? Maybe it is all in the re-framing. What if instead of "hard" and "how can I possibly do what seems impossible and just too difficult and where in the world do I start?" the "hard" thing becomes a challenge and the
doing of it an adventure?
The feeling/idea of my life being an adventure instead of a struggle is something I have been becoming aware of as I've done my post detour work. If I stop and look at the past 7 months, what started out as hard became easy. Not easy as in it being a piece of cake, (sorry) but easy as in being a joy to do. I have come to think of my regular life as a grand adventure, too. It still has it's moments of
scary-as-all-get-out, but it doesn't spook me any more. And I think maybe that is another key - seeing "easy" as joyous instead of just easy and not really valuable. So if "hard" becomes an adventure and "easy" becomes a joyous thing to do, then "what if none of it has to be hard" becomes pursuing the business of life as a joyous adventure. This idea feels incredibly real and true to me.
Would I have been ready for it at the beginning of recovery? I honestly don't know. I think I might have said "this is nuts, I'm outta here." It's hard (no make that it's a joyous adventure ;-) ) to turn our long-held, deeply-embedded, highly-invested way of being in the world upside down with such a radical thought. I am ready to give it a go. By the way, I got up and put my shoes on and walked for 20 min. this
morning :-D Turns out it didn't have to be hard.
I'd love to hear other's thoughts on this idea of it doesn't have to be hard. Thanks as always for listening to my long ramble.
