Entitlement and Blame

by Kathleen DesMaisons, PhD

    Many people ask me how they *know* that they are on step 7. Is it a date, hit detox, and then wham, there you are? Is it having a perfect program, every step clean and organized and sorted? How can someone on Step 7 muck around or be sloppy with the food journal? Do they have to revert? If they wobble, do they *lose* their status?

    Now, what I am going to say here may surprise you. But step 7 is really about a state of being rather than a destination. Step 7 is affectionately called the *getting a life* step, but really, that hardly defines it. It is about how you meet the world and it is radically different from how the world was before you started the program. Let me walk you through the transformation.

    I know from lots and lots of experience that the hallmarks of untreated sugar sensitivity are what I call entitlement and blame. We feel done unto. My husband, my boss, my mother, my children, my life, my stress, my health *made me*. You feel victimized by circumstance. It made you be this way. If he hadn't....I wouldn't be this way. You do not take responsibility for what happens around you because you do not feel empowered. You feel helpless in the face of things happening. And you blame the outside world for things not working.

    At the same time, because you feel victimized you feel you are entitled to things. Well, I deserve to be...because..they owe me. Often this is the company owes me because I am poor and work hard and they make lots of money. I hear this as I deserve to not have to pay for the program because I am poor and am entitled to it for free.

    These feelings, are biochemically induced. Now, that sounds pretty outrageous doesn't it? However, these are the very feelings that change with the program. Working with your journals helps you to see connections, and something called consequence. If I eat this, this happens. No one does it to me. There is a connection between what I do and what happens. You start making little connections..and over time they grow. As you get more steady, you can make more powerful connections.

    Yes, my husband is abusive, but I stay here. Things like that. You start seeing yourselves as players rather than victims. And even more striking, when people critique you, you have this remarkable detachment. You take what is real, own it and are even grateful for the feedback rather than being devastated by it. For example, early in the program, if I offer a suggestion, not even a critique, but a simple reflection that perhaps eating a potato the size of a football might not be the best option, the person who started the program 3 days ago is either brushed or outraged that I do not understand their special situation and they go off in a huff or unsubscribe from the program for a year. If I say that to a person in balance, they say *Oh my, whatever was I thinking about. Thank you.*

    I listen for this change. Sometimes it comes early. But most often it is the change that tells me most about Step 7 consciousness. One of my leadership people makes a mistake. We have a code for mistakes called the FANTASTIC! code. They say, *Oh fantastic, let me go clean that one up*. We laugh and it is no bigger than an error to be corrected. Or someone wobbles, and I say, *Hey, how about a sabbatical while you steady up there?* and they say...*yah, yah, let me go catch my breath and tighten up my plan. My timing is off, I am eating out too much.* And they do. Now let me tell you, working and playing with people in this energy is beyond comparison.

    You all feel it drifting through. Those of you on the more senior lists drink from the well. Those of you just starting know this is what you want. This is part of radiance, this humor, this joy, this resilience. It is way more than no longer yelling at your kids. It is getting a life. No more blame, lots of taking responsibility. No more entitlement, just humble willingness to work, show up and participate. Pretty nice from where I sit.

Warmly,

Kathleen